Sometimes there are secrets that can’t be told or feelings that can’t be felt. The intensity of the emotions are too hurtful to face. Unable to confront your past it’s hard to deal with your present and intolerable to imagine the future.
How did you get here or how did everything get out of hand? How is it that you can’t express your emotions? Because they are entangled in your heart along with the memories that hurt you and won’t let you have peace. Unable to function with what life has given you and only able to think about how bad it all is. It seems impossible the thought of you being able to get out of this state of mind. It seems as though no matter what you do, life hands you another pack of issues to deal with. How do you withstand the changes and how life fluctuates right before your eyes without a warning? All you have to go by is faith, faith in what? The missing factor in your life. You always have had faith but you continue to deal with all this hurt and mistrust everyday of your life. Why you? How come you are not normal, able to feel normal? How is it that despite all your good deeds, all your efforts to help others it’s still not enough to get you by with a little bit of slack, a little bit of peace? You try to sleep and the pain awakens you, the loneliness haunts you and you’re unable to get rid of it. Your eyes weep from fear and the tears just don’t stop. No matter what you do they just won’t stop.
You cover your eyes, shut them closed in hopes of opening them and realizing that it’s going to be okay. That you will be okay, that all of your fears will go away and you will be able to breathe. As if you were being relieved of all the pain, heaviness in your heart and all the memories which cause you harm. The world turns into a better place and you smile. Your smile is the start of a fresh day with hope of all beautiful things about to happen for you. And it’s at that moment when you realized that you can do this thing called life, that you will be okay, that there is no doubt you will be able to make it no matter how hard life becomes. Your dreams are obtainable, they are realistic. All your pain subsides and you no longer feel that heaviness which haunted you every day. Your life changes for the better and your faith returns, your faith in God your faith in YOU!
So much have been going on in my life, but I know that through it all God has been standing right by my side. I have been once again physically ill and emotionally distraught for many different reasons.
Physically, I have been suffering from tremors, anxiety attacks, migraines, undergoing exams for possible colon cancer. I know my God is a healer and there is nothing impossible for Him.
Emotionally, I have been dealing with the acceptance of no longer having my earthly father, but its a blessing to know I will never be without my spiritual father. My God will never abandon me.
I was a daddy’s girl, and we did everything together. One night, about three months ago, I began having nightmares of violent behaviors towards my father, which boggled my mind. How could I want to kill my dad? How could I stab my father and get mad when he did not die?
I was referred to a hypnotherapist, so I could address these issues. The first session was to find out if hypnosis would work on me, and it did. The second session was to deal with my emotion of hurt. During that session, I saw a little girl sitting at the edge of her bed. A man was standing in the doorway. The man proceeded to come in the room, the little girl was not scared at all. She was actually happy, but that quickly changed when the man began to touch her inappropriately. The little girl did not budge, she did not run, he told her it was okay and that he would never harm her.
This little girl was me, and the man was my father.
This is what I have been dealing with these past couple of months. My God has covered me with His Holy protection, and He has kept me!!!
I have been extremely busy lately. My health has been off quilter and its driving me insane. Regardless of how I feel, I keep pressing my way towards my goals. I don’t stop or give up, God didn’t make me that way. Because my faith is in Him, He in return gives me the strength I need to continue pursuing my goals.
Remember that your strength comes from the Lord, not yourself. Every morning thank Him for being so graceful, that despite your flaws, He doesn’t leave you, He doesn’t abandon you, He doesn’t disregard you just like many other people have in your life.
I think I’ve mentioned it before that I wasn’t able to go to college straight out of high school and now I’m in college after 14 years of graduating. I will say I am very proud of myself. It is a lot to deal with all at once. I am currently attending in Wake Technical Community College in a 2 year program; my majors are Human Services Technology and Substance Abuse. My goal is to be able to mentor young teens at high schools and do group therapy.
I am very excited about my classes as of right now. I am currently taking five classes and this is my first semester. I have been able to manage it pretty well up to date. I miss the fact I have not been able to attend church as regularly as I use to. I have also been training to be a Guardian ad Litem for abused children. This has been taking a lot of time as well.
I do know for a fact that hard work does pay off, so I am looking forward to my prize at the end of my journey.
I apologize to all of my followers I have not had time to be here and inspire you to keep moving forward no matter the obstacles but here I am giving you an example of how to keep pressing towards the mark.
Then the LORD’s word came to Jeremiah, saying, Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there anything too hard for me?
There are times when we have to go through things and we they are too small to bother God with the issue. But here is proof, in His word, that there is no issue too small for God nor too big. All your worries, All your cares, give them unto God, for it is Him who will be doing the fighting for you. You worry about doing His Will and He will take care of you.
It has been 14 years since I graduated from high school in Puerto Rico. Now I’m in college Majoring in Human Services Technology.
This past week was my first week back in school. I have homework, quizzes, exams and assignments to complete. Its been a challenge to say the least but a good one. I love to learn and this is definitely the way to do it. I enjoy all my classes and have high hopes for good grades. I stepped out in faith by enrolling in college and I believe God will give me the strength and wisdom to make it through.
I will get back to my routine posts once I get use to my “new normal”. I’m also going into training this Tuesday evening to be a Guardian ad Litem. I will be an advocate for children who have suffered all kinds of abuse, from physical to sexual and neglect. I know it will be a lot on my plate for about a month, a pretty hectic schedule, but I believe God will give me the mental and physical strength I need to make it happen.
I love my God for giving me these opportunities to be exposed to different things that will expand my knowledge. I am grateful for the wonderful leader, my Pastor Dr. Chapman, who constantly encourages us to reach higher and for greater always putting God first.