Something Beautiful is on The Horizon

Sometimes there are secrets that can’t be told or feelings that can’t be felt. The intensity of the emotions are too hurtful to face. Unable to confront your past it’s hard to deal with your present and intolerable to imagine the future.

How did you get here or how did everything get out of hand? How is it that you can’t express your emotions? Because they are entangled in your heart along with the memories that hurt you and won’t let you have peace. Unable to function with what life has given you and only able to think about how bad it all is. It seems impossible the thought of you being able to get out of this state of mind. It seems as though no matter what you do, life hands you another pack of issues to deal with. How do you withstand the changes and how life fluctuates right before your eyes without a warning? All you have to go by is faith, faith in what? The missing factor in your life. You always have had faith but you continue to deal with all this hurt and mistrust everyday of your life. Why you? How come you are not normal, able to feel normal? How is it that despite all your good deeds, all your efforts to help others it’s still not enough to get you by with a little bit of slack, a little bit of peace? You try to sleep and the pain awakens you, the loneliness haunts you and you’re unable to get rid of it. Your eyes weep from fear and the tears just don’t stop. No matter what you do they just won’t stop.

You cover your eyes, shut them closed in hopes of opening them and realizing that it’s going to be okay. That you will be okay, that all of your fears will go away and you will be able to breathe. As if you were being relieved of all the pain, heaviness in your heart and all the memories which cause you harm. The world turns into a better place and you smile. Your smile is the start of a fresh day with hope of all beautiful things about to happen for you. And it’s at that moment when you realized that you can do this thing called life, that you will be okay, that there is no doubt you will be able to make it no matter how hard life becomes. Your dreams are obtainable, they are realistic. All your pain subsides and you no longer feel that heaviness which haunted you every day. Your life changes for the better and your faith returns, your faith in God your faith in YOU!

The Rape Joke

I was molested when I was little and its something you never forget no matter how hard you try. One thing that has helped me when I am having a low moment, is writing. Which is one of the reasons I titled my blog Freedom Literature because I feel like you are able to leave all those emotions, that are hard to say, on paper. Below is a poem I found on the rape joke, take a moment to read it.

The rape joke is that you were eight.
The rape joke is that at the time,
you didn’t know people had sex to express love.
The rape joke is that the only other person
who’d seen you naked was your mom.
The rape joke is that he called you ‘beautiful’ first.
The rape joke is that he held your hands together
and told you to ‘try harder’ when you struggled.
The rape joke is that you believed him
when he told you were overreacting.
The rape joke is that your grandma
called him a nice boy and asked him to stay for dinner.
The rape joke is that he winked at you
when you apologized to your parents for not coming
downstairs the first time you were called.
The rape joke is that his friends
high-fived him for “getting some.”
The rape joke is that you still don’t feel like
you’ve regrown the pieces he stole.
The rape joke is that he was conceived when his
dad slapped himself into his snoring mother.
The rape joke is that her friends told her
she was lucky someone wanted her.
The rape joke is that each year in the United States,
32,000 other women’s bellies
ripen with life against their will.
The rape joke is that he never learned
to touch without scarring.
The rape joke is that your classmate thinks
‘have you seen what asses look like in yoga pants?’
is an argument.
The rape joke is your new boyfriend kissing
you and telling you he ‘raped’ his math test.
The rape joke is that ‘Why are girls so scared of rape? Y’all should feel pride that a guy risked his life in jail just to fuck you’
is a popular Tweet right now.
The rape joke is that you wake up to
the memory of him laughing,
“now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
The rape joke is that it’s been twelve years and
you still quiver when someone touches you.
The rape joke is that he hasn’t stopped laughing.
The rape joke is that you forgot how to.”

The Rape Joke by Lora Mathis (via zubat)

 

One of Many

I apologize about yesterday, I haven’t been feeling well and was unable to write my story. This story in particular takes a lot of me to write about, emotionally. Hopefully this story will make up for both days. I apologize in advance for some foul language being used, its part of the story. I will try to tell you what I can remember. I feel like bits and pieces of this night I have suppressed because they are painful. I will try my best to put it together.

A fight broke out between my parents, really can’t remember why, they were yelling back and forth and I knew I was going to have to call the cops again. We lived in a 2-story townhouse, luckily every room, including the stairs, were rugged. If you have read my previous stories, you would know my father never fought with me, only with my mother and sister.

I remember my mother and sister were upstairs fighting with my dad. My dad wanted to lock himself in the room with my mother but my sister wouldn’t let him. I remember standing at the bottom of the stairs watching my dad grab my sister by the neck of her shirt screaming at her, telling her he was going to let her fall. My sister’s feet were barely touching the top of the staircase & she was struggling to grab on to the railing. My mother came out of the room to get my father off my sister, he let my sister go & luckily she was able to grab on to the railing. The next thing I saw was my father pushing my mother so hard she flew across the hallway into our room. At that point, I ran to the phone we had downstairs in the kitchen and I called the police. My father must have known I called the cops because he came down the stairs, but I had already hung up the phone.

I ran upstairs to check on my mother and sister, thank God nothing too serious, just some bruising, cuts and scrapes. Luckily those minor bruises, scrapes & scratches would heel but the memories would scar us for life.

We locked ourselves in my mother’s room and watched out the window waiting for the cops to come. We were so happy when we saw the cop car pull up our driveway, my dad didn’t share the same enthusiasm. We slowly came out of the room waiting for my dad to open the door, when we saw the cops came in the house we felt safe enough to walk down the stairs. We all walked into the kitchen and the cop started asking what was going on, my father stood right next to him, with no fear in his eyes and ready for another fight. My mother & sister were showing the cops the bruises, all I could say was, I was the one who called the cops. The cop tried to ignore my dad’s confrontational attitude at first, but the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The cop told my father to take a seat, my dad said “no”, the officer said, “Sir, I said to take a seat”, my dad said, “how are you going to come into my house and tell me to take fucking sear in my house, you sit the fuck down”. Both officers grabbed my dad and handcuffed him, they literally dragged my father all the way outside the house and into the police car.

There went my dad, another weekend, another night in jail, and another memory for us to never forget.

I thank God He saved us from worse. Although God allowed these situations to happen to us, I truly believe its all for His Glory. He knows what loads we can carry & never gives us more than we can bear. Along with the situations He allows in our lives, He also gives us the strength & the tools to deal with them.

I hope God blesses all the readers and touches lives beyond my reach. Lord I pray that whosoever is facing the same kind of turmoil, you hug them right now Lord and let them know its going to be okay, that they are going to be okay, that they are not alone & you are protecting them.

Cancer Journey

I decided to end the week with a strong finish. Although this story is fast forwarding a lot from the previous stories, it is one of my favorites.

When I was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer I had no symptoms. All my urine cultures were clear, no back pain at all, no symptoms at all indicating something was wrong with my left kidney.

About mid September 2011 I started having shortness of breath and fatigue. I visited my primary care physician, which at that time was Dr. Konduru, to address theses symptoms. I have a history of chronic iron deficiency anemia. The doctor proceeded to get some blood work done to check my iron level. When the results were ready I was told to come in the office to discuss them with the doctor. The doctor stated my hemoglobin was at an 8, the normal is anywhere between 12-16. He asked if I was still having the same symptoms, I told him I was. Dr. Konduru recommended I go to the emergency room if my symptoms persist or worsen so I could have a blood transfusion done.

On September 26, 2011, I decided to go to Rex Hospital and have the blood transfusion since my symptoms were not getting any better. My shortness of breath was becoming worse, to the extent of not being able to carry on a conversation without having to gasp for air. The doctor on call at the emergency room ordered blood work to check if my levels where increasing. Fortunately, my levels had gone up from 8 to 8,6. The doctor came in the room, where my father, brother-in-law and close friend were with me, and stated since my levels were increasing, he wouldn’t recommend a blood transfusion. I asked the doctor, “how about the shortness of breath, its not getting  any better?” He stated, “we are going to have you walk up and down the hallway to check your oxygen level”. And so they did. I walked up and down the hallway with a nurse and became extremely fatigued causing my oxygen level to drop to 87.

At this point the doctor was concerned I had a PE (pulmonary embolism). They send me for x-rays and CT-scan of my lungs, luckily a PE was not detected, but in the CT-scan they went low enough to find a mass or something that looked like a mass in my kidney. The doctor said, “its an incidental finding and its probably nothing, just follow up with your primary care physician for further evaluation”. The doctor decided to have me stay at the hospital that night so I could have the blood transfusion.

A couple of weeks after that, I followed up with my primary care physician for further evaluation of my left kidney. He ordered I have a Urogram done, which is an in depth study of the kidneys. I had the procedure done that week and returned to Dr. Konduru the following day. The night before the follow up, I received a call from Landmark Urology, stating I had an appointment scheduled the following day after I see Dr. Konduru. After I received that message I knew something serious was happening. I went to see Dr. Konduru, I could tell by the expression on his face the results were not good ones. Dr. Konduru proceeded to tell me I had a tumor in my left kidney and it was pretty big. I asked if it was benign and he stated “make sure you do not miss the appointment with the urologist because they will be able to do a biopsy and proceed from there depending on the results”. 

I knew Dr. Konduru did not want to be the bearer of bad news, and I didn’t blame him. The following day I attended my appointment with the urologist, Dr. Daniel McCrakan. My father accompanied me because I needed the support just in case things went bad. Once Dr. McCrackan pulled up my imaging on the computer, he explained to us what everything was and showed us where the tumor was. The tumor was located inside my left kidney, the cancer had not spread, it was contained within the kidney. Than he turned in his chair and looked at my father and I, he said, “We need to start talking about surgery”. I was a little shocked at the rush on the topic, and I said “I thought I was going to have a biopsy first to indicate if its even cancer” I responded. The following words he spoke changed my life forever. He said “I’m 85% sure the tumor you have in your left kidney is cancer and we need to act fast to remove it because luckily it hasn’t spread as of yet.

I remember my dad crying trying to ask the doctor if I was going to be okay, but he couldn’t get the words out. I turned to Dr. McCrackan and he teary eyed as well. When you get news like this, its like having a bucket of iced water spilled over you. You don’t know how to react and it feels as though your mind, body & all of your senses are in slow motion trying to process all that’s been said. I’m thankful to God and everyday I give Him all the Glory & Honor for allowing the doctors to have found the cancer on time. This experience made me reflect on life and how I was living it. It made me realize what is really important in life and what I should be doing. Although this experience took a toll on my family, my friends and I, I’m thankful God allowed me to go through this wonderful experience because it opened my eyes to how much He loves me, has mercy over me, and how He has kept me through it all. For this and so much more I have to be thankful to God.

On November 18, 2011, I had my left kidney removed by Dr. McClure & Dr. McCrackan, who prayed with me before we entered the operating room. After the surgery the doctors spoke to my parents, who were in the waiting area with all my friends & the rest of my family, and told them I was blessed because the cancer was caught right on time. The tumor was almost as big as my kidney. The doctors informed my parents I had one more year to live before it would’ve killed me. But praise God for His mercy & grace, He allowed me to survive and here I am 2 years later Cancer Free!!!!