Sometimes there are secrets that can’t be told or feelings that can’t be felt. The intensity of the emotions are too hurtful to face. Unable to confront your past it’s hard to deal with your present and intolerable to imagine the future.
How did you get here or how did everything get out of hand? How is it that you can’t express your emotions? Because they are entangled in your heart along with the memories that hurt you and won’t let you have peace. Unable to function with what life has given you and only able to think about how bad it all is. It seems impossible the thought of you being able to get out of this state of mind. It seems as though no matter what you do, life hands you another pack of issues to deal with. How do you withstand the changes and how life fluctuates right before your eyes without a warning? All you have to go by is faith, faith in what? The missing factor in your life. You always have had faith but you continue to deal with all this hurt and mistrust everyday of your life. Why you? How come you are not normal, able to feel normal? How is it that despite all your good deeds, all your efforts to help others it’s still not enough to get you by with a little bit of slack, a little bit of peace? You try to sleep and the pain awakens you, the loneliness haunts you and you’re unable to get rid of it. Your eyes weep from fear and the tears just don’t stop. No matter what you do they just won’t stop.
You cover your eyes, shut them closed in hopes of opening them and realizing that it’s going to be okay. That you will be okay, that all of your fears will go away and you will be able to breathe. As if you were being relieved of all the pain, heaviness in your heart and all the memories which cause you harm. The world turns into a better place and you smile. Your smile is the start of a fresh day with hope of all beautiful things about to happen for you. And it’s at that moment when you realized that you can do this thing called life, that you will be okay, that there is no doubt you will be able to make it no matter how hard life becomes. Your dreams are obtainable, they are realistic. All your pain subsides and you no longer feel that heaviness which haunted you every day. Your life changes for the better and your faith returns, your faith in God your faith in YOU!
How I truly feel tonight?
That’s the question of the night. How do I put all of my feelings of anxiety and peace all in one page. I can’t help the way that I am, neither can I help the way I feel. Can I help how I act out my feelings? Yes, I will, and so I do. I continuously revise and review my situations, so I act out the way I’m meant to act out or not act out at all.
On another note, I am being impulsive and changing my mind about different situations all of a sudden because I rather concentrate on other issues rather than what I am really going to be facing, and that is a rotator cuff repair.
How do I ease myself and emotions into my life? And something my son just said made so much sense, it was completely out of context, but he said “you gotta flirt”. Honestly you have to just love life and everything that comes with it. We can’t continuously fight against the truth that lies before us, sometimes we have to learn to accept and say it will be okay. Not everything that will come towards us will be things we like, but its okay because it will pass, and it will get better. Now lets not ignore our feelings for the things we are facing, its okay to be scared, and its okay to cry because of it. But you have to be able to flirt with life and make it your “bitch” (which is the first word that comes to mind). But you get what I mean, make it your friend, not your enemy. Love it instead of hating it and romantically make it what you want for you. No struggles needed just challenges looking for you to become better at this thing called life.
So much have been going on in my life, but I know that through it all God has been standing right by my side. I have been once again physically ill and emotionally distraught for many different reasons.
Physically, I have been suffering from tremors, anxiety attacks, migraines, undergoing exams for possible colon cancer. I know my God is a healer and there is nothing impossible for Him.
Emotionally, I have been dealing with the acceptance of no longer having my earthly father, but its a blessing to know I will never be without my spiritual father. My God will never abandon me.
I was a daddy’s girl, and we did everything together. One night, about three months ago, I began having nightmares of violent behaviors towards my father, which boggled my mind. How could I want to kill my dad? How could I stab my father and get mad when he did not die?
I was referred to a hypnotherapist, so I could address these issues. The first session was to find out if hypnosis would work on me, and it did. The second session was to deal with my emotion of hurt. During that session, I saw a little girl sitting at the edge of her bed. A man was standing in the doorway. The man proceeded to come in the room, the little girl was not scared at all. She was actually happy, but that quickly changed when the man began to touch her inappropriately. The little girl did not budge, she did not run, he told her it was okay and that he would never harm her.
This little girl was me, and the man was my father.
This is what I have been dealing with these past couple of months. My God has covered me with His Holy protection, and He has kept me!!!
I have been extremely busy lately. My health has been off quilter and its driving me insane. Regardless of how I feel, I keep pressing my way towards my goals. I don’t stop or give up, God didn’t make me that way. Because my faith is in Him, He in return gives me the strength I need to continue pursuing my goals.
Remember that your strength comes from the Lord, not yourself. Every morning thank Him for being so graceful, that despite your flaws, He doesn’t leave you, He doesn’t abandon you, He doesn’t disregard you just like many other people have in your life.
I’m making this wonderful Wednesday because it’s my long day at college and I have to speak positiveness so I could have a positive outcome.
I am determined to have a wonderful day, even if I will be in class from 8am – 9pm. I love my Lord because he gives me the strength to get through all things and I have the strength to push through the day.
Have a blessed day everyone…and remember the power of life and death is in the tongue; stay positive!!!
I have learned to renew my mind everyday. Start my day off with a prayer, a praise, a worship, acknowledging that God is first and for most. I know that starting my day giving Him thanks will lead to an awesome rest of the day.
The love that exist in my heart is because the Lord has put it there. I have felt as though love has left my heart at times, and bitterness has consumed its place. We all know there is nothing impossible for God to make new. He has restored my heart and saved my soul, it is such a blessing to be the daughter of a King.