I’m having one of the moments where I am staring at my computer trying to figure out what to write about. I want to write honestly about my life. I want to say the correct things, so it will be something that everyone will enjoy.
Lately I have been thinking about my financial troubles and how I wish I wouldn’t have to struggle so much in life just to have the things that I need or want. I am grateful for all that I have because at the end of the day I have a roof over my family’s head and food on the table and my family is in good health. So for the most part all things are good, but I just wish they were better. I know it’s human nature to never be satisfied with what we have and always want more, so needless to say I am only human.
I imagine myself living in a beautiful home where my kids have their own rooms. I imagine my husband with a job where he doesn’t have to kill himself and he enjoys doing. I imagine myself driving a Mercedes-Benz GLK, which is the SUV that I love the most right now. I want to be able to get my hair done when I want not when I can and my nails as well. These are just some of the things I imagine.
I don’t ask for much, I just want to be comfortable in life and not struggling. I guess this is just something I have to work towards making true. Maybe one day I will hit the lottery and all my dreams come true but until then I will continue to be grateful with all that the Lord has blessed me with.
Sometimes there are secrets that can’t be told or feelings that can’t be felt. The intensity of the emotions are too hurtful to face. Unable to confront your past it’s hard to deal with your present and intolerable to imagine the future.
How did you get here or how did everything get out of hand? How is it that you can’t express your emotions? Because they are entangled in your heart along with the memories that hurt you and won’t let you have peace. Unable to function with what life has given you and only able to think about how bad it all is. It seems impossible the thought of you being able to get out of this state of mind. It seems as though no matter what you do, life hands you another pack of issues to deal with. How do you withstand the changes and how life fluctuates right before your eyes without a warning? All you have to go by is faith, faith in what? The missing factor in your life. You always have had faith but you continue to deal with all this hurt and mistrust everyday of your life. Why you? How come you are not normal, able to feel normal? How is it that despite all your good deeds, all your efforts to help others it’s still not enough to get you by with a little bit of slack, a little bit of peace? You try to sleep and the pain awakens you, the loneliness haunts you and you’re unable to get rid of it. Your eyes weep from fear and the tears just don’t stop. No matter what you do they just won’t stop.
You cover your eyes, shut them closed in hopes of opening them and realizing that it’s going to be okay. That you will be okay, that all of your fears will go away and you will be able to breathe. As if you were being relieved of all the pain, heaviness in your heart and all the memories which cause you harm. The world turns into a better place and you smile. Your smile is the start of a fresh day with hope of all beautiful things about to happen for you. And it’s at that moment when you realized that you can do this thing called life, that you will be okay, that there is no doubt you will be able to make it no matter how hard life becomes. Your dreams are obtainable, they are realistic. All your pain subsides and you no longer feel that heaviness which haunted you every day. Your life changes for the better and your faith returns, your faith in God your faith in YOU!
So much have been going on in my life, but I know that through it all God has been standing right by my side. I have been once again physically ill and emotionally distraught for many different reasons.
Physically, I have been suffering from tremors, anxiety attacks, migraines, undergoing exams for possible colon cancer. I know my God is a healer and there is nothing impossible for Him.
Emotionally, I have been dealing with the acceptance of no longer having my earthly father, but its a blessing to know I will never be without my spiritual father. My God will never abandon me.
I was a daddy’s girl, and we did everything together. One night, about three months ago, I began having nightmares of violent behaviors towards my father, which boggled my mind. How could I want to kill my dad? How could I stab my father and get mad when he did not die?
I was referred to a hypnotherapist, so I could address these issues. The first session was to find out if hypnosis would work on me, and it did. The second session was to deal with my emotion of hurt. During that session, I saw a little girl sitting at the edge of her bed. A man was standing in the doorway. The man proceeded to come in the room, the little girl was not scared at all. She was actually happy, but that quickly changed when the man began to touch her inappropriately. The little girl did not budge, she did not run, he told her it was okay and that he would never harm her.
This little girl was me, and the man was my father.
This is what I have been dealing with these past couple of months. My God has covered me with His Holy protection, and He has kept me!!!
I have learned to renew my mind everyday. Start my day off with a prayer, a praise, a worship, acknowledging that God is first and for most. I know that starting my day giving Him thanks will lead to an awesome rest of the day.
The love that exist in my heart is because the Lord has put it there. I have felt as though love has left my heart at times, and bitterness has consumed its place. We all know there is nothing impossible for God to make new. He has restored my heart and saved my soul, it is such a blessing to be the daughter of a King.
God is strategic. He has laid out an exact plan for our lives right down to the smallest details. He knows the people you need to meet in order to fulfill your destiny. He knows who is going to give you a good break and who is going to put in a good word for you. He knows when someone is going to need to be there to help you out of a difficult time. God has it all figured out. He is not vague or approximate. He is orchestrating your life right down to the very second, causing you to be at the right place at the right time so you can meet the right people that He has ordained before the foundation of the world.
You probably can look over your life and see how, time after time, God directed your steps to the exact moment. If you had been ten seconds earlier or ten seconds later, things would have played out differently. That’s God orchestrating His plan. That’s God ordering your steps. All you have to do is stay faithful to Him and follow His leading because in the end, His plan will stand!